so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
