Your tits are I can't wait for
I want to make a zoo with you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize