i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
