I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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