dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
