i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
