actually, I'm a sock model
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
