The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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