I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
