Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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