sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
