she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
