Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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