By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
