Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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