Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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