i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
