I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
