I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
