Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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