Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
