yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
