i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this beer tastes like vomit already
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
