How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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