i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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