When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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