Can i not drive my cunt home
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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