I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
