the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
