we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
