So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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