the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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