Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That accounts for only three of the penises
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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