the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
