She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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