News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
