i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
