guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
false alarm, still single
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