i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
