Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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