Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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