I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
