her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
