well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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