She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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