you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
