Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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