So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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