youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
