Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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