Yo dont text me then not text me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
