The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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