I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
