She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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