my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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