All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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