Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
