We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
