Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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