i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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