I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm way too hungover for life right now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize