dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i think my cat just said my name.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
